Recently, on social media, an NLP Practitioner asked a question about a client who reported having a phobia, and with whom he used the NLP Fast Phobia Cure, which may have partly worked, but it came back a few days later?
Dealing with Ultimatums / Hostage Patterns
You've all heard them before.
- "My way or the highway."
- "Well if you don't want me doing that, I won't do anything."
- "If you do X, that's the end of it, I'll Y."
What are "ultimatums" or "hostage patterns"?
The word "hostage" here refers to someone holding someone hostage to their own needs/expectations. In each case of the above... someone who uses these patterns above is doing so either from a position of a need for control, a fear of losing control, anger over perceived lack of appreciation, or an emotional "threshold" whereby if their own demands aren't met, some consequence will be delivered to (or something will be taken away from) the listeners.
On occasion, this is seen as masterful management, when there's a very strong leader at the helm. If a company is extremely successful... then nobody wants to mess with success. All well and good in such a situation, if you're Steve Jobs or Bill Gates. But most ultimatum situations aren't central to a success strategy; in fact, most of the time they are a recipe for disaster, or at least a painfully slow demise. If you throw a frog into boiling water, it jumps out. If you throw a frog into tepid water, and very slowly heat that water, the frog will stay put & be cooked.
Most of the time, ultimatums and hostage patterns are a form of behavioral dysfunction. It's worse when it becomes an organizational dysfunction, because decisions have to be made by committees and can't be made fast, "at will." Such an organization can potentially be the proverbial Frog, slowly boiling to its own death, unaware anything is actually happening.
What's the Problem? And how to Solve it?
If you cater to these demands, if you agree to their hostage pattern, you are as much or more a part of the dysfunction than was the person who delivered their ultimatum. And if you REMAIN supportive of that organizational dysfunction, your very behavior is teaching others that it's OK to deliver ultimatums, and it's OK to cater to or support them.
Many people are completely unaware they're part of the problem. Some are aware, but prefer to remain complacent. They think breaking out of the dysfunction would take too much effort. Yet what lesson does that teach others? Others are almost always watching, and learning.
Here's another problem. There is no easy way to slowly and gently exit dysfunctional patterns like these. The only practical way to break dysfunctional patterns like these, in any sort of timely way, is to:
(a) introduce entirely new patterns that are more desirable for the larger system (group, household, marriage, whatever)... and practice those new patterns/behaviors/choices until they become a new habit that replaces the old one.
OR:
(b) break the old pattern, cold-turkey. Exit the dysfunction. Refuse to cater to the ultimatum.
The most challenging aspect of all this is -- usually relationships are involved. Centrally involved.
Often in disagreements, it's useful to ask the question:
"What's more important, your point? Or the relationship?"
Most of the time, in most disagreements, the answer is... the relationship.
However, when ultimatums or hostage patterns are involved, if you value independence, proactivity and balance, and want to be a good example for others... most of the time, the answer isn't "the relationship."
Yet, one can't be quite so cold in discarding connections, especially when other relationships are affected as well! This is why it's so challenging to resolve organizational dysfunction! To do so requires a deeply skilled navigator of cause-effect patterns, and cooperation from at least some of the organization.
Inbox Insights
- Knowledge Engineering (& Belief Craft) have evolved, into GeniusMapping™
- As of September 2020, we're in the process of moving from Tampa, Florida, to the Youngstown Ohio area. Currently, during the Coronavirus era, we're mostly focusing on Zoom-based Coaching, and aligning resources to run online courses.
- How "Civil Engineering" totally reframes the word "Stress," redefines the phrase "Stress Management," and leads us to embrace Stress!
- Many NLP Practitioners are more sloppy with their thinking patterns, than they'd like to admit, or... would even notice.
- Watch NLP Co-Founder Richard Bandler use NLP to eliminate Michael Strahan's phobic response to snakes -- in minutes (with Kelly Ripa bringing over a BIG snake at the end to test Michael's response). Spoiler alert: It worked ridiculously well.
- No matter what skill you want to learn, no matter what fears or concerns or hesitation you may have, there are and will always be a wide range of approaches, to learning that skill. It's important to keep that in mind when making learning choices.
- Many more famous people have been trained in Ericksonian (indirect) Hypnosis and NLP than you might guess. There are certainly far more who have strong interests here than have publically admitted so.
- On January 1, 2015, Jonathan Altfeld and 20 other co-authors released a digital book entitled "Creating Business Growth."
- What are the Four Stages of Learning?
- Tom MinterEntrepreneur, London, UKAttended Course : Speaking Ingeniously
Whether you are looking to improve your speaking or to gain more of a mastery over yourself, Speaking Ingeniously is a course that will grow and stretch you beyond what you previously thought possible. With each passing day you will be amazed and inspired as you feel your skill and confidence being educed from within. In my experience Jonathan's skills as an NLP trainer are second to none, and through his masterful and outstanding techniques you will be blown away with - and left open-mouthed - at your own potential. Thank you for the great five days, I really appreciate your time and commitment to us. It was also enjoyable and memorable to spend some great time on a personal level. No doubt we will have more chances again in the future...
2006 - Ted VanderNootCognitrix, London, UKAttended Course : Belief Craft MP3 Set
"Your presentation of AI & Knowledge Engineering & how computer software systems can learn & decide was quite interesting. But using these models to then explore modelling in the NLP context was mind-blowing! It was really cool how well we were tracking beliefs by only the second day. [...] Not only could we track beliefs & language patterns "on the fly" but we could unravel their interconnections & their interactions conversationally. I thoroughly recommend your course to anyone who wants to improve their skills at tracking language patterns & modelling."
http://www.cognitrix.com/2005 - Erol ThompsonLondon, UKAttended Course : Linguistic Wizardry
As someone relatively new to the subject of NLP I greatly appreciated the mix and range of experience available to me on the linguistic wizardry seminar. Knowledge sharing wasn't just encouraged by Jonathon, but expected as a pre-requisite to getting the most out of the course. As a result this added to the whole seminar experience from day one. Perhaps of greatest benefit to me was the way that Jonathon ensured that we learned as much during lunch breaks and evening conversations as we had learned during the day. By joining us Jonathon showed how the material could be usefully integrated in the real world - achieving shop discounts ethically, was another great bonus. During the course, the practical sessions and brain gym exercises were highly enjoyable - I've already used one or two as handy exercises to occupy the attention of boisterous nephews and nieces. It seems NLP really is 'child's play'. In general, I would like to have played around with more examples of 'state-chaining' through story telling. The Village Council sessions allowed me to see for myself how I'd benefited from the course. Personal benefits for me since the course have been in my professional and social interactions - for instance I now find it easier to model the behaviours of colleagues who have enviable influencing styles; I now see interactions as an opportunity to share stories in a more exciting way; and the quality of my presentations (and joke telling) have improved. For this I believe Jonathon should take some credit.
2006 - Todd BaumgartnerSystems Administrator, Cincinnati, OHAttended Course : NLP Skills-Builders (course)
After attending an NLP seminar with Jonathan Altfeld, I can only use one word to describe it: amazing! Throughout the weekend, I went through a metamorphosis, leaving the cocoon of my former limited self and now knowing that I can accomplish anything I desire. My only limit now is time. I was amazed to have seen some of my limiting beliefs just fade away and snap like delicate threads. Not only did these changes take place during the seminar, but I now have the tools necessary to make other changes to any aspect of my life. I now understand that the only thing holding me back was myself! Seeing Jonathan using the skills he was teaching in real life was also a major plus. He uses everything that he is teaching all of the time. He doesn't give stop until he knows that everyone has learned what they need to know. In the past few days, since the seminar, I have developed more rapport with my family and co-workers. In the past, I would have been in a situation where meeting new people would have scared me immensely, and now, I can't wait to meet new people. My only regret is that I didn't do this sooner. If you are not living life to the fullest, then you owe it to yourself to go to one of his seminars.
1997 - Howard SweeneyDenver, COAttended Course : “Irresistible Voice”seminar
Jonathan Altfeld's Irresistible Voice Workshop is one of the most impactful trainings that I have ever experienced. In just the first few minutes of the workshop, Jonathan was able to provide both me and all of my fellow participants with instant, dramatic, and positive results in finding our true voices and having us start using them fully as quality instruments of clarity and communication. Jonathan utilized his significant training skills and unique technology to guide me to a much more pleasing and expressive voice in only three fun-filled days. Now, after the "feel good" of most training and workshops has long passed, I find that (thanks to Jonathan) I am continuing to improve my new-found voice skills on a daily basis. Jonathan provided me with a solid foundation to automatically make effortless and continuous improvements in my voice. Other folks are now complementing me on my voice - that's certainly a new experience for me! Jonathan didn't stop with simply having me sound much better. He amped it up with fun exercises where I learned exactly how to use my new-found richer sounding voice and use my words to communicate much more effectively and produce positive results in others. With short, fun, and creative exercises, Jonathan taught me life-changing speaking skills that will only get better and better, auto-magically. Jonathan's personalized one-on-one coaching helped me achieve results that I truly did not think would be possible in just 3 days. I cannot begin to express my profound thanks to Jonathan for the life-changing skills he instilled in me in just a few short days. If you are interested in a much better sounding voice that will have positive and life-changing impact, sign up now and make sure you are one of the fortunate folks to attend Jonathan's Irresistible Voice Workshop.
2009 - Steve BoyleyNLP Trainer, Vancouver, BCAttended Course : Linguistic Wizardry
In 8 days I get to know the delegates who attend my NLP Training seminars. I find out how much they have learned from previous seminars they have attended, by direct observation of the skill they demonstrate, as well as through direct inquire into their perceptions of previous training experiences. I regularly hear positive commentary about Jonathan's Linguistic Wizardry seminars. The confidence and proficiency with the skills Jonathan has taught them, is plainly evident. In addition, people I have trained have subsequently attended Jonathan's Linguistic Wizardry seminar and provided me with very positive feedback on their experiences with Jonathan.
http://www.nlpmind.com2007 - Donna McGeorgeSpeaker, Facilitator, People with PEP,Hired Coaching : Personal Coaching
On the 2 occasions that you have coached me, I have experienced what I assumed to be metaphor sessions. I'm not totally conscious of the process or content of the sessions, yet the results I have had from both sessions are as follows: Session 1 - desired outcome - "get some focus and direction for moving forward given that I'd achieved a lot of what I set out to. What's next?". Whatever you did, my business increased by over 30% in revenues following the session. My focus changed, and I implemented the "Donna the Diva" project, which has resulted in my getting my mojo back, and being way more confident in my skin and clear about what I'm good at. This has also resulted in my "sacking" 2 clients that didn't fit my vision for myself, and for PEP. Again, I'm not sure that I'm consciously aware of what I was doing differently - all I know is that a shift happened, and the result was useful (to say the least). Session 2 - desired outcome - "I'm earning more money than I ever had, and I am swimming in debt - help?! ". Again, I know we talked about a bunch of strategies and I'm clear they also were metaphors. I think our session was about 8 weeks ago? Well, since then - I have cleared all my creditors, and have over $25K in a personal bank account (something that has NEVER happened before). Steve and I are currently shopping for property, and I'm no longer afraid to answer the phone for fear of speaking to a creditor. The physical manifestation of this is that I used to have a folder that was nearly 1.5 inches thick full of bills and accounts. It is currently about an eighth of an inch thick - and these are all less than 30 days. So - that's a pretty literal description of my results of working with you, and I am most grateful to you, and look forward to further coaching. I am happy for you to use any of the above. None of it is a secret - I tell anyone who cares to listen about the results I get following your sessions.
http://www.peoplewithpep.com.au/2007 - Andy PrestonSales Trainer, Outstanding Results, Manchester & LondonAttended Course : Linguistic Wizardry
What a fantastic 3-day event this is! Having been around the fringes of NLP for some time, after doing my Practitioner course, I was looking to further my skills without necessarily going the Master Practitioner route yet. I first met Jonathan Altfeld at an evening he ran in Manchester and heard about the Linguistic Wizadry course, and signed up immediately. Not only did the course look fantastic, but it was being held near Amsterdam - how could I refuse! In 3 days, I learnt more practical NLP (and how and where to apply it!) than with the vast majority of other trainings I've been to. I knew there were NLP trainers in the room, other Practitioners and people who'd not done Prac yet - and I was worried that the material would either be too complex for me to understand, or too simple (for the newbies). After the first hour, all those concerns melted away. Not only did Jonathan make the material simple, easy-to-understand and very practical, but the way he taught ensured everyone in the room (regardless of skill level) was getting massive value. I find I've achieved great command of metaphors, sensory language, storytelling, and much more - to list them here simply would not do the course justice! In my humble opinion this is by far the best value NLP course I've ever done, and having studied with some of the best NLP trainers in the world - I rate Jonathan in the top 1%.
http://www.outstanding-results.co.uk/2006 - Oscar RodriguezHypnotherapist, Real Estate Agent, Hypnosis Washington DC,Attended Course : NLP Sales Wizardry
Hey, my name is Oscar Rodriguez, I am sitting here at the end of an amazing class by Jonathan Altfeld. There's a couple of things about Jonathan that I've liked. He's kind of a person who (Oscar meant to say DOESN'T!) makes promises that he doesn't intend to keep. And it's really cool because, the promises that he makes, are always exceeded at every event that I have been with. So he taught us the 5 step process in Sales. Not only did he go meticulously through that step, but he helped us to break it down and to focus on the areas of weaknesses we had, or how to empower or become even stronger in places that we already knew we were doing, He told us very specific events, steps, and processes that we need to do to take to go to the next level. So were my expectations met, well, of course, I already expected great things and I got blown away once again. If you're a sales person, if you're any type of hypnotherapist, any type of a process-oriented person or any type of an individual who really needs to connect with others, persuade others to really get your message across. If you're a teacher, if you're the President of the United States, and want to get re-elected, Come. Listen, get action, and you'll be able to get not only the stuff that you need, but you'll be blown away by being able to get the results. if you're in the Washington DC area, if you take this class, come and join me for a refresher of this so that you can get what you really need. Thanks Jonathan!
http://hypnosiswashintongdc.com/2011 - P. WinthersReal Estate Agent, New York, NYAttended Course :
All my other NLP learning experiences resulted in a terrific set of techniques & skills that don't necessarily fit together or apply in any holistic way. While it's great to have those tools & techniques, in spite of training with all the big dogs in NLP, I didn't have a systemic method for organizing the information I acquired about other people's maps, let alone their beliefs, belief systems or values -- until I took Knowledge Engineering. Your K.E. course gave that to me in a way that makes sense and consistently works. Simply Amazing. I've already used this method within 1 week of the workshop to track the invalid logic of one of my customers, and walk them through a better decision strategy. In doing so, she chose to buy a commercial property which netted me over $45,000 commission. In the past, I wouldn't have known what to do! Thanks again!
2002